'Head on Collision' by New Found Glory

by Keenan Schott

With a folded-over strip of gauze taped above my left clavicle
And a bruise the color of an overripe plum on my right man-titty
I lie in bed
Listlessly jerking off to a video of a drunk blonde girl in a
        whirlpool bathtub that is overflowing with an unreasonable amount of
        bubbles fucking another drunk blonde girl with a novelty-sized
        strap-on while a third drunk blonde girl, maroon panties askew,
        masturbates in a corner, giggling the whole time even though she was
        kindly asked not to by one of the other drunk blonde girls
Wishing that my car hadn't been totaled
On New Year's Eve
When I got into that head-on collision
With a well-rooted tree
While blackout drunk
Because the process of looking for a used car online is incredibly boring,
Especially since I'm not much of a “car guy.”

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